"It is the mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable"
Richard Denny
Life is full of problems needing to be solved. Unfortunately many of the problems we meet as midwives - in caring for a woman and baby, in day to day practice or within our organisations - are not single or simple problems. And most often what we see as 'problems' are not really problems at all. Instead they turn out to be differences in attitude or outlook between people which don't have 'solutions' as such.
Wherever such disagreements exist, it is easy to find oneself drawn into confrontation. And if it is not checked, this confrontation can quickly escalate to the point where lasting harm is done to existing relationships or to the situation itself.
Everyone benefits from not letting disagreements get to this point. And situations will be much more likely to be resolved if the emotional tone can be lowered. Where feelings run high, it can become almost impossible to find areas of agreement or compromise. However this doesn't mean that it is always right to seek compromises - sometimes showing conviction and standing your ground are appropriate responses, particularly if this would mean compromising safety or professional practice.
Keep the numbers down!
It is much easier to keep a situation from escalating if the number of people involved is kept down. Try not to involve more than one or two other people in initial discussions. The more people who are present, the more likely it becomes that discussions will go off course or get bogged down in negativity (if necessary, bring others in after you have reached a preliminary agreement). But if other people have a stake in the outcome of discussions, you will need to convince them that any decision you have reached is in their interests too.
Emphasize the positive, eliminate the negative
Few people are willing to admit that they may be wrong. Both sides in a confrontation will believe that they are the ones who are being constructive. So from time to time privately carry out a 'reality check' of your own arguments and position, questioning your motives and assumptions. Are you open to convincing arguments from the other side or will you reject them out of hand? Are you proposing a better way of doing things, or are you simply opposing their way? Do you actively want to achieve a resolution, or do you want to see them back down? Likewise, make sure you allow them the space to change their minds, and to be able to back down without losing face.
If you begin by trying to identify areas of commonality between your points of view, and can find positive aspects of the others' position, this will create a bridge between your positions that you can build on. Look for areas where a compromise is possible - any positive outcome to a confrontation must involve some kind of settlement. If you can work out in advance where it is likely to be, achieving it will be much easier.
There will always be some issues on which you won't be able to agree. You should both try, for the time being, to simply accept this as a situation that has to be worked with. If you can re-establish a constructive relationship, some of these issues will diminish in importance. Even if you do nothing else, putting the issue on the agenda and opening lines of communication is an achievement. And remember that change takes time. With patience, some flexibility on both sides, and recognition of each others' beliefs and values, movement towards change is possible.
When all goes wrong, start again!
Confrontation that ends in deadlock has achieved nothing. Sooner or later, you are both going to need to have another attempt at negotiation. However, if it has gone wrong once the chances are that it will go wrong again and for the same reasons. Before renewing discussion, it is useful to try to clarify what went wrong, and why. Most often, it is the style of communication - the way things were said, rather than what was said - that derails discussions. Think about what you can do differently that may make a difference this time.
Tips and tricks
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Watch your reactions closely - as well as those of others. If you can keep a detached, 'observer' perspective, it will be easier to avoid being sucked in by the emotions involved.
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Look for a 'win/win' solution - nobody has to be a loser, especially if everybody is prepared to be a little flexible. Losing fuels resentment and is never a resolution of a situation.
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Avoid blame and personalising the argument - try to keep the issues and personalities separate, focusing on resolving the former whilst preserving the latter's dignity and 'face' intact.
Further reading
Cava R (1991)
Dealing With Difficult People Piatkus, London
Handy C (1995)
The Age of Unreason Random House Business Books, London
Pedler M, Burgoyne J, Boydell T (1997)
A Manager's Guide to Self-Development (3rd edition). McGraw-Hill, London
Rosener J (1990) Ways women lead
Havard Business Review Nov/Dec: 119-125
